Daily Archives: November 24, 2010

Day 15, Day 1

2:45 pm

I think its the lack of sleep but its been a hard day so far.  I guess I was thinking resurrection happens on the Birthday and it did in its own mysterious way, but later someone said to me.  Its the Jesus year.  Oh right, its a whole year where you are feeling the pains maybe of crucifixion and then resurrection.  I am not a Christian or even a Catholic or any religion that believes in Jesus, so why am I so into this resurrection concept.  I don’t even know but I am.

3:28 pm

Am I racing ahead or am I going crazy.  I think I am flying ahead in some ways but its making me loose my mind or at least feel like I am loosing my mind in other ways.  I see people now and I feel them more then I see them.  I see my own reaction to them.  I have a message for them sometimes.  Today I went to the food coop to get Turkey for Thankgivng.  Seeing all the dead turkeys in plastic bags made me feel all sorts of emotions.  This giant bird born and raised for Thanksgiving.  A sacrificial lamb is such an old image.  I used to think, well we are so civilized we don’t sacrifice animals for our gods anymore but the turkey is sacrificed in every home to give thanks.  And I guess to feed the family.  I know its not very coherent but I am not very coherent today.  I will be tomorrow after some sleep.  I just don’t want to give up on today.

Not giving up on today.  I like that idea.  Often I have a crappy day and after something especially crappy happens, I write the day off.  Its over for me, this is the day that I wallow in my self pity or anger or sadness or madness at the world.  I almost wrote today off as a day that I am exhausted and incoherent but I won’t for the sake of this writing which is for the sake of me.  So, for the sake of me I won’t write it off.  I will just write it.  I will watch it unravel patiently or impatiently, but patiently if I can help it.

My mom is here today and our relationship is strained as of the last 10  years or so.  It comes and goes in waves but now it feels difficult to communicate or to hear each other.  So today I will envision a new reality, I will listen.  I don’t want to talk anymore.  I talked too much yesterday but yesterday was my day.  Today I will give to others. 

3:42 pm