Day 20, Urge

9:07

I am still sick but I have an urge to write again.  I did my time today but I am back for just few more moments of this bliss.  I am going to start to rhyme before I know it.  I decided that saying I instead of you is really powerful in writing.  I must have learned that in high school but for some reason I only applied to writing in high school and not since.  And, I applied it to just writing instead of talking.  I want to talk like I write and write like I talk and I am adding that as a variable in this experiment.

If I start saying I instead of you did this to me, how quickly is life going to change?   That should be added to my list of 40 day experiments that I will start tomorrow in the the name of the script.

That’s all for now.

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Day 20, Half Way Where?

1:47 pm

I am still sick in bed but my spirit is beginning to wake up again.  When I typed day 20 I realized I was half way there.  Originally I said 30 days but then changed it to 40.  I recapped the significance of number 40 in one of the posts on Kundalini yoga, I think.

On Wednesday, I have a jewelry show/ holiday party for the office.  This is an annual event that fills me with excitement and dread at the same time.  On one hand, I can’t wait to put out all the pieces that I’ve worked on for years for all strangers and friends alike to see.  I also love the fact that the Studio Space GAS (Grand Artisan Space) that I started 5 years ago is still thriving and is always a home to creative and most importantly lovely and loving individuals.  These are all achievements in my life that I am extremely proud of but then the dread comes in.  The inner critic.  It says, what about the water bugs that frequent your studio space from time to time, what if one decided to come to the party?  And the disorganization.  You really need to be more organized with your stuff, Olia.  And the jewelry, is it getting outdated?  I saw this cool necklace the other day, I think its better then what you make.  And one more thing, you are still sick, are you sure you are going to be ok for Wednesday, why do you always plan these elaborate energy sucking events?  Huh?  You should be home with your baby, enjoying him and putting him to sleep instead of handing him over to the nanny just because you want to have a jewelry show.  Do you really need to have this jewelry show?  But, but, I have it every year.  Its a celebration of my work and I need to sell the jewelry, I don’t want it to sit in my drawers. 

Welcome to my brain.  I have gotten better with years of practice.  I think the first jewelry party was paralyzing.  My husband says that its just practice.  I agree but I think its also awareness of the inner dialogue.  As I start this new venture, Olia Rights, it helps to know that I will be exploring just that.  The inner and outer dialogues.  I think it will help my studio space to get rid of the water bug situation and I think it will help Olia Designs to be proud of the thousands of pieces she has put on people all over the world and millions more that she will continue to adorn people with in the future.

My dad and my mom started criticizing me the other day and I noticed how familiar the voice was.  I think that’s why I get so mad at them because it hits close to home.  Their criticism is already inside me, I already say that to myself so when I hear it out loud, it affirms it.  And I spend so much time in therapy trying to break it but just hearing it affirmed out there is insulting.  So I spend all day insulting myself but when someone else does it its an offense?  I should say, THANK YOU!  Thank you for saying that out loud, now I know how ridiculous it sounds!  Thank you, now I am free from the insult inside my head because hearing you say it, I KNOW its not true.

I am grateful for all my insults, they have made me who I am today.

2:11 pm