Daily Archives: January 19, 2011

Dance Day 15, Re-program

I cannot explain this song, lets just say, it’s a human song.  He wakes up, and nothing is right.  It is not the way it is supposed to be.  Even at church, even on the field by the river.

I am back baby.  I can’t stay away, especially for a week.  The stars lined up for me and we have internet in our room, so far for today.  I could not sleep last night, partially because I ate chocolate before bed, I am very sensitive to any caffeine.  In my awake/sleepy state I caught my mind writing.  Writing the text that will not be written.  Maybe my mind got so used to this everyday that without it being flushed out, it got into an infinite loop.

In college, I majored in Computer Science.  That is when I learned about infinite loops.  An infinite loop is code that returns an answer that continuously puts it back into the same line of code.  Once you are in the loop, you cannot get out.  When I learned this, it explained to me a lot about my own mind.  It also made me feel more like a computer, being able to be programmed and re-programmed.  I found that my mind was often stuck in infinite loops.  Due to amateur programming.  During the day it was harder to catch myself because there are seemingly “activities” going on, while my mind is in free fall.  At night, I catch myself better.  I am having a conversation, someone asks me a question, I answer one way, then another way, then even a better way and I do it again.  I think about something I have to do the next day, then I think of it again and again, the same thing.

I think they call it OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I hate this name and this disease.  I know there are severe cases of this that require medication but for the most part, I think this disease makes us feel bad about our human condition.  If any one of us said out loud all day what we think inside we would be one of those crazy people on the street.  We would be worse than OCD, we would be schizophrenic.

When you see that person who is talking to themselves loudly on the street, please remember the only thing separating you and them is volume.  Mine is on mute but that does not mean I am not talking to myself.  So OCD comes along and all of a sudden, everyone has it.  That is because we all have it.  ADD comes along, and all of us and our children have it.  Yeah, we have that too.  Clinical Depression and my favorite Bi-Polar.  Yeah, one minute I am happy and then the next minute I am so sad.  I must be Bipolar.  I broke up with my boyfriend and now I have clinical depression.

Medication is going to help as much as a lobotomy.  I hear people say, yes I am very clean, I am OCD.  Just because you like to clean and even obsess about cleaning your house does not mean you have OCD.  Many a housewife, lived and died cleaning their houses into oblivion.  I hate getting rid of my $10 tea shirts after two years of use, I am a hoarder, I cannot wait for medication to come and help me with my condition.

While I am on the topic, all these diseases become abbreviations.  I do not think people would be as happy labeling themselves Obsessive Compulsive with a Disorder as they are saying OCD this and that.  ADD.  Attention Deficit Disorder.  I have an Attention Deficit.  Start talking about sports or put sports on and you will see my eyes glaze over.  I think if I took a pill, I could be into sports.

We are not 100% happy by design.  We are different.  We change, we choose, we decide, we break our hearts, we challenge, we get challenged, we overcome, we swing, we cry, we get angry, we get sad, we are hurt, we hurt, we obsess, we yearn, we get confused and yes we naturally can be euphoric for small periods of time, and we can have fun for large periods of the time, but we can not be euphoric and fun for all periods of the time.  If my mind is in an infinite loop, I ask myself why.  I should seek for ways to calm my mind.  I know nothing is wrong with me and although I can obsess compulsively, I do not have a disorder.

I don’t know how I got on the topic.  I skipped two days of dancing and in my mind I started to say, well maybe dancing is not my passion.  I love writing but dancing, I do not know.  Maybe its too much.  I can live without dancing.  I do not have to dance everyday.  The old cynical mind, reclaiming its ground.  The old program wants to continue to run the brain.  Because unlike computers, our programs our more powerful.  They are the unartificial intelligence.  The intelligence that when it acquires a new piece of information, it uses it to fight the opponent.  In my case the old me battling it out with the new me.  Today, an opportunity presented itself.  An unclaimed half an hour.  The new me went for it and danced my medium happy butt into euphoria.  It was awesome, it was just what I needed.  I felt good.  I walked out and Yura said, you look good.  I can start messing with the hardware of my computer if  it is not working properly but even a non computer science major knows, you have to check the software first.  Maybe the computer just needs to be re-programmed.

If I had Dr. in front of my last name and people came to me with a psychological disorder, I would first start by prescribing 40 minutes of dance or meditation or journaling or anything they find fun.  Whatever it is every day for 40 days.  Make sure you do not skip a day.  For the medicine to work, it has to be everyday.  After 40 days, come see me and we will reassess your condition.  No one would dare to skip a pill, right?.  It might be harder then taking a pill but it is easier then swallowing that pill.

Ironically I found this song in another language.