1:03 pm Friday
So much to do? I get to the computer and I say to myself. Oh my god, I have so much to do. Always so much to do. When will it stop. Will there be a day when I have nothing to do. I will be bored when I have nothing to do. Thank god, I have so much to do.
There is an exercise I learned with my therapist, Ron Baker. Its called right now I feel. We breathe with our eyes gazing at each other sending breath into our feet. Then we make an “Ahhhh” sound, letting go of all the feelings through sound. We say,
Right now I feel.
Right now I feel, empty, happy, sad, overwhelmed, unsure of myself, nervous, peaceful, challenged, proud, exploring, curious, lonely, supported, angry, positive, inspired, appreciated, neglected, ugly, beautiful, strong, powerful, fragile.
This is the hardest exercise. The feelings are fleeting, how can I even feel them? I do not know what I feel. I feel nothing. I feel nothing? I feel something but I can not describe it with words. If I feel beautiful and I say it, the next instance I feel shame for saying that. So I feel beautiful and ashamed?
Yes. Feel it and say it. Say it and move on. Move on and move up. When I do it, I feel better, even if I did not feel bad to start with. It makes sense. When I started writing this blog, I started to feel better. Even if I resisted it. When I finish writing each day, like clockwork, better! Today I sat down to write and I did not know what to write about.
Right now I feel? I am not expressing my ideas here. The ideas are just a shell for my feelings. My ideas are not static. Like my feelings they are changing. One day I say there is no free lunch, the next day, I eat free lunch.
My friend has a quote at the end of his emails:
How you feel is not always how it is.
It may not be to you, but it is to me. It may not be tomorrow but it is now. Right now I feel sad and life is sad. Right now I feel happy and life is happy. Right now I feel love and I love you. Right now I feel hate and I hate you.
The quote is a reminder for that little voice to wake up. That little voice that is whispering in the background. The voice is not the voice of my feelings, it is the voice of my soul. My soul is the one who understands those fancy quotes. My soul is beyond feeling hate and hating. Even when I feel hate, my soul is quietly singing, love.
The soul can only be heard after I let my feelings talk. They have to be acknowledged so that they will shut up and allow me to see that how it is, is how it is. How it is, is going on right now in the calm of this room. How it is, is my fingers hitting the keys, my heart racing to get the next word out. My breath, the shoveling outside, the snow on the trees, the empty school yard, the water splashing under the passing car’s wheels. How it is, is how it is.
My parents tell me to watch the news so I will know what is going on. I know what is going on. The air is calm today, the light is dim but perfect. The snow is reflecting light. It feels brighter. If the news told me that, I would watch.
9:31 pm Saturday
Olia Rights 