Daily Archives: February 8, 2011

Schooled Again

2:05 pm

Today I am in my own College.  Being schooled by myself.  In my mind’s eye, I saw myself skipping happily to my books and writing.  To do it, dammit.  I was an hour late for school today.  I was organizing my house.  I can call it a lot of things but I am going to call it doing my Feng Shui class.

I started thinking about my life in USSR today.  One story from first grade comes to mind.  I had a teacher who was stern, Antonina Pavlovna.  On teacher’s day the students were supposed to bring in flowers for the teacher.  I did not know about it, no one advertised it.  It was supposed to be “known”.  My mom remembered last-minute.  She ran over and got some flowers for me to take.  When I got to school all the children were lined up with beautiful flowers.  The line went through the whole class.  I was so nervous to give her flowers, to stand so close to the big scary monster.  She was usually far, at her desk, in the front of the room.  She did not leave the desk to mingle with the masses unless there was punishment involved.  I  did not get punished, I obeyed quietly out of fear of this woman.  Except for that day.  I was seven, I might have been missing few teeth at the time and I had straight hair cut in a bowl shape.  On big days, my mom made two pony tails on top of my head and attached big bows.

I came up to the desk and handed her the flowers.  She looked at them for a moment and gave them back to me.  She said, you can keep your flowers.

This was unexpected and it burned in my stomach until silent tears started to appear in my eyes.  I did not look at anyone, shamed.  My flowers were not nice enough for her.

I learned some things in school that day.

I learned that some gifts are not good enough.  A lesson that I have tried to unlearn.

I learned that my first grade teacher was a mean bitch.

I also learned that the judgement of older people is not always right.

I will not say Communism or Socialism, to say that is to label a common enemy, which I do not believe exists.  Having an enemy is a fallacy.  I will just say that due to the variable factors, that was the environment created in Soviet Union.  Bribery was a way of life.  Bribing the teacher with nice flowers and later the doctor to give you any attention.

For some reason it reminded me of Obama.  Yes the beloved.

USSR used nice words.  Slogans.  Equality.  No one will be hungry.  All good messages but it brought out the worst qualities.  The system made everyone a crook.  You could not choose to be righteous in that system.  If I was not a small child I would have to learn to bribe everyone to get anything done.  In my current life, I do not have to bribe the phone company to come put in my phone.  After bribery, came theft.  People stealing stuff from companies where they worked, anything they could steal from the government.  They felt entitled because the government was stealing from them.  Is our government doing it to us?  I am not going to say Republican or Democrat, two sides of the same coin.  Bush 350 billion bailout to Wall Street, Obama 350 billion bailout.

Wall Street?  If USSR made their people crooks, it is happening here.  It is different every time, history is only known in retrospect.  When it is happening, it is so confusing.  You cannot hand money to crooks without people getting a message that the crook wins.  And not just money, 700 billion dollars.  That is a giant empire.  That is a whole country.  It is more than most countries.  If a magician wants to do a trick, they create a diversion.  We have a crisis, depression, here take the money.  But why Obama with all those pretty words?

I am seeing this in him today because I see it in myself.  All pretty words and slogans but inside I am confused, angry, annoyed and uninspired.  Sometimes I sit down and wrap up this blog with a good lesson for YOU, but I have not learned a thing.  I go back out to the world making that same mistake that I sloganize.  If I were honest I would not end on a nice note most days.  I am just afraid to get phone calls from caring family and friend readers to see if I am ok.  Yes, I am ok.

10:25 pm

I cannot help it.  On the bright side, here is Isaiah as a baby.