Daily Archives: February 24, 2011

Am I Blue

10:44 am

I am missing Zumba class because I know I need to get this out.

I saw Elizabeth Blue’s one woman show “Am I Blue” last night and I need to write about it ( I hope to link to a video soon but here is her blog for now).  It is no surprise that Blue was a direct catalyst for this blog.  I wondered before, why Blue?   I’ve had so many inspiring encounters.  For me, writing publicly every day was the scariest proposition.  A lot of things could have moved me to do this but they did not.  Blue comes along and in five minutes I am writing every day for forty days, dammit.  I am not discounting other influences who propelled me forward on my path.  I just did not understand how someone can inspire such dramatic results in me as of late.  I did not even see it coming.  The guy with a rainbow umbrella on the Red sand beach in Maui is one thing.

If I map my life in terms of falling in love to life changing activities, it would look like this:

When you fall in love, you get an adrenalin rush that lasts for few weeks or months.  It makes you feel invincible.  This feeling makes you take risks that you would not normally take.  When I met Yury, few weeks later I started GAS (my studio space), a few weeks after that, I went on open call for Henri Bendel and got it.  Last night, I fell in love with Blue.

When I saw Blue’s show, it made sense that she would be the one to help me with this change.  I laughed and laughed.  I was laughing at myself, the way Blue is laughing at herself in her show.  It was not self deprecating laughter or embarrassment and shame.  It was not “I feel sorry for my follies” laughter.  It was not “I am so stupid, I can’t believe I did the same thing” laughter.  It was the heart laughing.  The heart laughs differently than the other parts of the body.  Sometimes the heart is laughing silently.  Sometimes, tears show up in your eyes.  The heart laughs when it feels joy.  It is a joy of falling in love with life.  That is what inspiration is.  This laughter was joy of seeing someone be so authentic and not taking themselves seriously at the same time.  It was the recognition of humor in all of it: the struggle, the doubts, the yearning, the curiosity, the insecurity.  I felt that she was playing out all those parts of my former single life and allowing me to just laugh at all of it.  It was not mocked but delighted, that is mastery.

To be authentic is to be true to my own nature.  If I stop pretending would they think I am crazy?  That was Blue’s experiment.  She proved to me last night that is where the gold lies.  She answered my doubts.  Being true to my own nature is the only way to be, even if the risk is that “they” will think I am crazy.  If I step out of the invisible bounds, I will not fall off the edge.  If I follow my own voice, I will not choke.

Yearning.  Somehow yearning came up in a conversation after the show.  Yearning came up a lot during Blue’s show.  There is yearning as it relates to men.   It was never anyone who I would have a relationship with.  It was strictly yearning.  Yearning feels good and bad.  It is exciting and it is never-ending.  It does not end in a climax, it is just the reach for one.  There are lows and highs within the yearning, upon seeing them, having contact with them and lows when you are getting no attention from them.

There is also yearning as it relates to something you want in life.  I yearn to express myself, to be true to my nature in that expression.  The highs are when I am doing it, the lows are when I am far from myself.  Blue did it last night.  She expressed her nature.  She exposed the yearning.  The yearning for a mate, the yearning to be somebody, the yearning for salvation.  And it was hilarious!

If inspiration is falling in love with life.  Yearning is the hunger for an inspired life.  Blue’s hunger is contagious.

Another Authentic voice.  If you can forward to 4min 13 sec.  I like the second song.