written three days ago
I just found out that boys still have crushes on me. Yes, it is a revelation and I am going to say it, I like it. I am going to look the fear of appearing slutty in the eye and say, shut up. Shut up and sit down. It is funny how liberated our generation has become. When I was growing up, most of high school girls were having sex with their boyfriends. Some were having sex with people who were not their boyfriends. Everything else was called, hooking up. A high school kid looking at this post would probably laugh at this expression. I do not know what they call it now.
On the scale from 1-10 on the promiscuous level, I was probably a 6. I did not have sex with boys but I did like to “hook up”. I am sorry favorite-mother-in-law, this blog just became X-Rated. But I think you will see what I mean.
I was talking to my friend today and she told me that at her wedding, there were boys who were attracted to me and they even told her husband about it. I was on my own for that wedding. I was not in any way thinking of myself as a sexual being. I was thinking of myself as an over weighed mom out for a night, who forgot what’s it’s like to have more than one drink. It is fun. I also forgot what it’s like to dance all night to great music surrounded by people I like.
After hearing this news, months later, funny feelings came up in me. Funny feelings coupled with unfunny feelings. The funny feelings were, yeah baby, I still got it. I am too sexy for this town. The unfunny feelings, were, oh dear, I cannot even think these things. I am a married woman.
I think about those high school/college days compared to these days. I used to think about boys all the time. On the subway, in school, at home, watching tv, getting ready for school and I was not even considered boy crazy. And then marriage…. halt. I stopped thinking about them. It is a good thing, I think but when confronted with the once in a while thought, I should enjoy it as such. In my mind, even if I have a dream about a man who is not my husband, I cannot share it with anyone, except maybe a super close friend who enjoys a sexy story. This is all some Judeo-Christian shame of our sexuality.
For a generation who grew up at the time when people were having sex in high school, our after marriage thinking is from another time. We are ashamed and scared to admit our true nature. I hate saying slogans like that. I am ashamed to admit that I am a sexual being. I am not talking about cheating, I am talking about our mind.
Sometimes, I will have a thought of myself being a plane crash. I not to have those thoughts. But in my vision I fully see the whole thing, the aftermath. It is just a thought but helps me in a way to appreciate the life that I have. On the other hand, if I have a thought about guy, I bury it deep inside for the fear of anyone knowing because if they do I am the dirtiest wench on earth. Thinking of death makes me human but thinking of sex makes me a sinner. Funny how that works.
When I was 12 or 13, my friend and I discovered kinky things at her aunt’s house. It was handcuffs, dirty magazines and sex toys. My friend and I giggled for hours over this. Every time we went over we would go to the same drawer to make sure the goods were still there. After that, we thought she was the coolest aunt.
I am not a fan of pretending. I will not pretend to be a robot and I would not want my husband to either. If he says to me, I only think you are sexy. I am flattered but that is a lie. I wish that husbands and wives would fall from the grace of delusion and into the sexy reality. It is ok that thoughts come and go, enjoy being human.
I am still reading Mists of Avalon. I know, I should finish already. One the main characters is Guenevere. She is a good Christian Queen who is forever in love with Lancelot, her husband’s best friend. Her story is of torment. Torment she puts herself through by the shame she feels and torment she puts other people through because of her pain. She cannot control her feelings and she wants to because she thinks that to feel them, is to sin.
To lie to yourself is a sin. To feel the current of life is to feel the sexual current. Sex is the glue of creation. It is everywhere. I am not walking though this life with a blind fold.
10:22 pm (this one was hard to post)
This song will not get old, but the video has. It also reminds me of my first apartment. I lived with three girls in college. Across the court-yard from us lived four boys. Everyday, they came home from school and blasted this song so that they whole building could hear it. We laughed a lot to this song.