All fingers point to one thing. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. The bills, work, calling back family and friends, there are people’s Birthdays to remember, events, cleaning the house, cooking to stay on top of, Olia college, organizing myself, organizing Isaiah, building our house, making appointments, keeping appointments, travel plans. Missing deadlines. If I woke up every day and made a list and followed it, I would get it done. I would remember the tiny little things. I would be productive. But there is email. On top of all the little things to do, I have to keep up with hundreds of emails. Time to answer thoughtfully.
This puts me over the edge of reason.
I was reading my little book on writing by Kurt Vonnegut and Lee Singer and learning a lot (I talk about its mysterious origin here). I am a huge fan of Kurt Vonngut. I went through a period when I read five of his books in a row. That has never happened to me. At the time, I did not even understand everything he was saying, I just liked his speed. His loose tongue and his way with crazy ideas.
This book was supposed to be for next semester but it is so small and cute, I could not resist. It is an interview about writing with these two writers. Lee Singer, whose work I never read, except for excerpts, surprised me the most with is answers. He talks about treating writing as a means to answer questions. When he writes a book about events past or present, he himself does not understand the events. He writes in order to understand his own life. This resonated . I sit down to write a meaningless story that has been emerging in my subconscious and before I know it the lesson comes out at me. Life does not happen to us. It is all a sequence of meaningful events worthy of contemplation.
Those moments, when I let life happen, it rolls over me. It takes me down. It makes me feel overwhelmed and out of control. To gain consciousness in my life and to participate by directing its flow, that is where I want to be. It happens when I write. I see the reality, I get a glimpse of the grand design.
Sometimes, my daily routine gets forgotten because the grand scheme is more important. I know that is not true. The little things are all a part of it. Forgetting to pay a bill does not make me a poet, it makes me thief.
Today, I was faced with a big list. Olia College on one hand, a big to do list on the other hand. The list seemed endless and it still does. I sit here starring paralyzed with anxiety welling up inside me. I am so stressed, I will not get this done and do Olia College at the same time. There is too much.
Meditation I close my eyes. Breathe in and relax your body. Five minutes. I open them, the list is still there.
I am drowning in my list. If I leave the house, it will still be there. Ahhhhh. Is this Caffeine? I feel sick. Is this an anxiety attack. Should I call for help. Help.
I am ok. I just need to write about it. One day I will tell you what the fingers are pointing to.