I don’t want to be grumpy

9:10 pm

I tried to nap today but all the writing was looping in my head.  The untold stories.  My writing teacher said today that if you don’t write for three days in a row, you will get grumpy and start attacking your husband.  You need to do something creative.  I had an inkling about this phenomenon so it was good to hear her confirm my theory.

I am only happy when I live out of inspiration.  Inspiration for life and its infinite capacity is the source of it.  Expressing this in some way is my purpose.  Expressing it well feels intoxicating.  My theory is that it is happening with everyone.  We are created equally, believe it.  We are creators by nature.  If we are left restless, we become destroyers by nature.

I saw this played out in Russia, when I was a young girl.  I left before Communism ended so I only know it that way.  People stripped of creativity and whipped into fearful submission.  There are good memories but most of all I remember the angry faces.  I am reminded of them when I go to Brighton Beach or Little Odessa of Brooklyn.  I love the Russian food but not the mean clerk who sells it to me.  They think that being rude is having a sense of humor and if I don’t get it, I am the dumb American who smiles too much for false reasons.  Even in light of their new freedom, they have been so beaten up that they come here without abandoning their old mentalities.  Their mentality is survival.  Survival, if they have to lie, cheat or steal.  Survival if they have to work their whole lives in a job they hate.  Survival because they were taught that they were not special, but mediocre.  There are only a few special and gifted.  These are divine and if you are one, you would know it.  Otherwise, you should keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself because they have all been said and better said than you can say it.

They took the “we are created equally” part and flipped it.  Instead of meaning we are absolutely unique and special in our equality, all capable of greatness.   They translated for us into, we are absolutely conventional and mundane.  It is easier to rule “the masses” if the masses have no face of their own.

I felt this way most of my life.  Now I know that if I am not growing, I am shrinking.  If I am shrinking, I resent the world for it.  Because at the end it does boil down to self-love.  Love thy neighbor the way you love thy self.  For me, the saying would be more useful if it said love yourself the way you love thy neighbor.   The prior assumes an inherent self-love.  I am pretty sure Jesus did not want us to tell our neighbors that they need to lose weight or work on themselves harder.

9:49pm

 

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