Category Archives: video

Koop Koop

10:09

Our five month Miami experiment began when Isaiah was six months old.  Before he learned fear, I would take off his diaper and bounce around in the ocean waves with a smiley chubby baby in hand.  We left Miami when he was almost a year old.  When he was one and two months we went back to the ocean.  I expected him to frolic into its arms, embracing the water like an old friend, but instead he cried out at its sight.  He did not want to get close to it.  Each time we got too close he cried and screamed and ran away.

Maybe its vastness made him feel small.  I do not know.  Isaiah loves to swim in his tub and in the pool.  I dreaded him becoming one of those people who are scared of the ocean.  The ocean, the sea, the lake, the river and the waterfall are my best friends.  I may not care if my son goes to Harvard (that I cannot control) but I would love for my son to be a free nature boy.

I decided back then that I have to be patient, maybe it will take him years to realize how fun it is to jump in the waves.  But he will dammit.  I tried to help him.  I ran water back and forth in buckets at his requests.  “See Isaiah, water from the ocean.  Feels good on your feet.”  I lured him closer to the water’s edge by inching the buckets nearer.  I tried to carry him in my arms playfully but when he saw a small wave crash at my feet, he cried.

On this trip, I gave up.  I decided to let time do its magic.  I did not want to lure, persuade or educate.  Yesterday, Isaiah and I were playing in the sand and Yura decided to go for a dip.  I saw Isaiah following him with his eyes.  Papa went Koop Koop (that is short for koopatsa – swim in Russian).  “Koop, Koop,” he repeated in a trance, hypnotized by Yura’s swimming form in the giant water growing smaller.  I could not believe what I was seeing, I almost had to pinch myself.  “You want to go Koop Koop?”  He did not nod but he did not shake his head either.  I picked him up and he consented.  I walked to the water and no scream.  I stepped in, he was still fixated on Yura.  “Yura, he wants to go koop koop!”

All we had to do was lead by example.

11:05 pm

I am a circle

8:15 pm

Forget the forgetful memories.  Some days an image strikes me in the head.  Something unpleasant from the past.  An experience, something I said.  Uncomfortable moment when I did not act correctly.  I hold it anxiously in my mind’s eye, feeling the feelings as if it was happening again.  If I wake up, I shake myself.  No.  No, I will not subject myself to the past.  Sometimes a good memory strikes me and I try to hold it.  I force myself to revel in it.  To feel the pleasures of the memory, to grasp it.  It melts into an unrecognizable puddle.  I am left with today.

I hear the words, Live in the moment.  I already know that, I need something new.  I hear it again, Live in the moment.  It is boring.  I need new knowledge to grab on to.  Something so special that when it comes into my life, it will shake me, like this blog.  It will answer the questions that are.

I went to a party few weeks ago, it was rare for me.  The people there were not my friends.  I was excited to meet new people.  New friends.  I bounced from one conversation to the next.  None of them made any sense.  It was chit-chat.  I hate chit-chat.  Chit chat is what happens when you have nothing to say to each other.  I recognize chit-chat.  Chit chat is what happens when I myself do not know what I am saying.  I talk in fillers, I pretend I care about minutia, I am trying to fit into a square, I am trying to find the boring middle.  To fit a square into a circle has not made so much sense to me as it does now.  I watch my son trying to do it with his toy that teaches shapes.  It is funny to see the expression play out.  It is impossible, I know it for sure now.  I watch him try and try.  It does not work.  I hope that he learns that it does not work, a lesson I sometimes forget.

Even amongst my friends and my family, the feeling comes.  It is discomfort of not being myself.  The feeling that I am trying but I don’t know how to in this moment.  I talked to my friend Lisa about writing.  The reason I love it is because I have control over my expression.  In a crowd of people, I become a chameleon, changing colors to fit into my environment.  I do not do it out of fear, I just do it.  A chameleon is trying to survive.  I am not trying to survive, I am just playing hide and seek.

When you are talking to people, you have to wait. Pause.  Listen to them.  Ask questions.  Listen again.  Exchange ideas.  Be interested, be interesting.  Connect?  And enjoy this process.  Sometimes, it is magical.  Sometimes, it is work.  I do not know what to say or what not to say.  I do not know when to listen and when to talk.  Sometimes I am excited and I talk too much, sometimes I talk too little and it is awkward.  It flows or it drains.  New people are an ultimate challenge for me.  I get excited by meeting them and instantly there is a discomfort of building a relationship.  Do I even want a relationship?  Am I an island like Paul Simon?

Today, I want to be left alone to my thoughts.  Time is precious.  It is all a trade-off.  Go out see people or stay home and write.  If I go out I am at risk of chit-chat.  Tell me about you, now tell me about you.  It all seems boring to me.  I can tell you about me but what will you do with that information, go home and retell it to your husband.  I know it sounds sad, but this is my blog.  Even if it is for the two-day-later me to see and say, oh Olia you were just sad that day, you like people.

Today, I have no life force.

And this too shall pass.   When I am happy I look at sad and say, how can anyone feel like that.  Look at the sunshine, love and all of it around you. When I am sad and I see happy, I say, how is that possible.  Happiness is unreal.  The wave.  I am on the down curve of the wave at the moment.  So I want to write about it.  I want to remember it when I am happy and invincible.  The Buddhist strives for balance.  The teachings do not want you to be extremely happy or sad.  This too shall pass.  Even and steady.  Take in life.  Drink it.  Inhale it.  Sniff it.  You are the observer and a participant.  Shakespeare said that we are actors but I don’t want to act.  I don’t want to over act.  This is not a comedy or a drama.  It just is.

8:47 on Monday and 10:04 on Thursday.  A few days later I do not feel this but I know I will again.  It is a dear sad friend who comes to visit me.  He makes me see things through his eyes for a while.

On the bright side, Isaiah’s favorite new song:

What other people think of you is none of your business

This is I am Blue Video.  It does not give you the real experience of her One woman performance, but it is better than not seeing Blue at all

I got a forwarded list from my sister.  45 lessons in life.  I rarely look at those because I feel like I read them all.  Light your candles, you don’t want to die without using them, blah blah blah.

This was a new one:

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

I thought that in this stage in life, I did not care what people thought of me.  When I started doing this writing, I became terrified.  Will they think I am stupid because I spelled stuff wrong or have bad grammar?  Will they think, silly Olia dreaming of being a writer.  She has not even read Dostoevsky (something that I am actively ashamed of).  If I list all my fears, I quickly find that it is not what they think that hurts.  It is what I think that hurts.  Or what I think, they think.  I can not control what “they” think about me.  Who are they anyway.  But my assumptions are more severe than my worst critic.  What if I do this and they think that.  The truth is what if I do this and I think this.

When I started my jewelry business, a lot of people had a lot to say.  My parents were worried.  I was even embarrassed to show my messy beginner jewelry to my friends.  One day, a friend came to visit and I told her that I wanted to be a jewelry designer.  She said it would a nice hobby but do I really think that I can make a living?  This was the echoing words of my parents.  A nice hobby.  How can anyone but you know what your career or hobby should be.

My mom told me if I want to be a writer I should analyze people and learn their stories.  I said, I do not want to write about them, I want to write about me.  When I got off the phone, I realized how selfish that sounded.  How narcissistic I have become.  All these bloggers retelling their every experience and now I am joining the masses.  And I want to be special too.

What other people think of you is none of your business, can be reversed.  To judge other people is none of my business.  How can a writer know what someone else is feeling?  They can’t.  All they know is how they feel in all of life’s situation.

Shema Israel Adoni Aloheinu, Adoni Ahad.  The most important prayer in Jewish religion.  I am not trying to teach religion, it is just a concept that I find interesting.  Hear Oh Israel, Hashem our God, Hashem is One.  It is saying that God is One.  So simple, why is that important.  Is Judaism just reclaiming and proclaiming itself over and over as the first monotheistic religion.  Blah, boring.  Who cares about that.  This is a prayer you say in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening.  This is the prayer you say before you die.  This is the prayer that was murmured by the Jews in the gas chambers as their final words.  This is the prayer I was singing drunk one night in College when I thought I was dying because the room was spinning.  Is it really important that there is only One God.  Not to me.  It is obvious.  I learned more about the Shema.  God is just the description of Everything.  If God is omnipotent and omnipresent, he is all-encompassing.  We are in that equation.  By being here, we are just parts of One big whole that is God or Universe or whatever you want to call it.  The words do not matter.  Three times a day and before we die we are supposed to remind ourselves that we are all ONE.  There is no feeling that each one of us is not collectively experiencing.

The feeling of being alone is an illusion.  Every feeling is Universal.  So if I am not myself because I am afraid of what other people think of me then I just forgot that we are all One.  If we are One what other’s think of me is what I think of me.  I know that is not a new concept.  But here is my mathematically unsound proof.

infinity = 1

Infinity is too large to grasp, it takes away your power. Shema give it back.  All = One

If All = One, One = All.  Like Three Musketeers.  What if the World’s motto was All for One and One for All?

If I am One and I follow my path, I am doing that for All.  Be your true One for All.  It is none of your business what other people think of you.  It is your business what you think of yourself.

Deep thoughts, by Olia Rights

12:54 pm

Am I Blue

10:44 am

I am missing Zumba class because I know I need to get this out.

I saw Elizabeth Blue’s one woman show “Am I Blue” last night and I need to write about it ( I hope to link to a video soon but here is her blog for now).  It is no surprise that Blue was a direct catalyst for this blog.  I wondered before, why Blue?   I’ve had so many inspiring encounters.  For me, writing publicly every day was the scariest proposition.  A lot of things could have moved me to do this but they did not.  Blue comes along and in five minutes I am writing every day for forty days, dammit.  I am not discounting other influences who propelled me forward on my path.  I just did not understand how someone can inspire such dramatic results in me as of late.  I did not even see it coming.  The guy with a rainbow umbrella on the Red sand beach in Maui is one thing.

If I map my life in terms of falling in love to life changing activities, it would look like this:

When you fall in love, you get an adrenalin rush that lasts for few weeks or months.  It makes you feel invincible.  This feeling makes you take risks that you would not normally take.  When I met Yury, few weeks later I started GAS (my studio space), a few weeks after that, I went on open call for Henri Bendel and got it.  Last night, I fell in love with Blue.

When I saw Blue’s show, it made sense that she would be the one to help me with this change.  I laughed and laughed.  I was laughing at myself, the way Blue is laughing at herself in her show.  It was not self deprecating laughter or embarrassment and shame.  It was not “I feel sorry for my follies” laughter.  It was not “I am so stupid, I can’t believe I did the same thing” laughter.  It was the heart laughing.  The heart laughs differently than the other parts of the body.  Sometimes the heart is laughing silently.  Sometimes, tears show up in your eyes.  The heart laughs when it feels joy.  It is a joy of falling in love with life.  That is what inspiration is.  This laughter was joy of seeing someone be so authentic and not taking themselves seriously at the same time.  It was the recognition of humor in all of it: the struggle, the doubts, the yearning, the curiosity, the insecurity.  I felt that she was playing out all those parts of my former single life and allowing me to just laugh at all of it.  It was not mocked but delighted, that is mastery.

To be authentic is to be true to my own nature.  If I stop pretending would they think I am crazy?  That was Blue’s experiment.  She proved to me last night that is where the gold lies.  She answered my doubts.  Being true to my own nature is the only way to be, even if the risk is that “they” will think I am crazy.  If I step out of the invisible bounds, I will not fall off the edge.  If I follow my own voice, I will not choke.

Yearning.  Somehow yearning came up in a conversation after the show.  Yearning came up a lot during Blue’s show.  There is yearning as it relates to men.   It was never anyone who I would have a relationship with.  It was strictly yearning.  Yearning feels good and bad.  It is exciting and it is never-ending.  It does not end in a climax, it is just the reach for one.  There are lows and highs within the yearning, upon seeing them, having contact with them and lows when you are getting no attention from them.

There is also yearning as it relates to something you want in life.  I yearn to express myself, to be true to my nature in that expression.  The highs are when I am doing it, the lows are when I am far from myself.  Blue did it last night.  She expressed her nature.  She exposed the yearning.  The yearning for a mate, the yearning to be somebody, the yearning for salvation.  And it was hilarious!

If inspiration is falling in love with life.  Yearning is the hunger for an inspired life.  Blue’s hunger is contagious.

Another Authentic voice.  If you can forward to 4min 13 sec.  I like the second song.

11:22pm

No Dance Day 18, Voices

9:15 pm

I feel a little bit sickly.  I need to rest.  No dancing, just drinking tea.  I emailed back and forth with my friend Michelle, Mommy Theorist about blogging.  She said:

“I feel like that voice is the real me and most people don’t know the real me – I want to be known. ”

That is exactly how I feel.  I want to be known, even if it is just known by myself, by my mom, my sister, favorite mother-in-law and a handful of friends.  Until I write my thoughts, they are just a quiet voice drowned out by the chores of life.  I am not going to remember washing the dishes on January 21st, 2011 but I will remember taking my voice and power into my own hands and proudly blasting it over the internet without fear of being seen for what I am.

This is the mountains of Utah and Yura taking them on his snowboard.

10:14 pm Mountain Time