Category Archives: Writing

Dance Day 19, The Source

3:03 pm Eastern Standard Time (back in Brooklyn)

My first day of school is tomorrow and I am filled with fear.  Fear that I won’t do it.  My therapist, Ron Baker says that money exchange is important because people usually value things based on their cost.  He was telling me that in regards to my jewelry.  I am seeing this in regards to my college.  If I was paying 10k for a semester or getting paid, I would not dare to skip my first day of school.  But my college is free and its in my head so its hard to give it “real” value.

Money.  One of the classes I will be taking this semester is a course in Money Maturity.  I started reading this book a while back and instantly saw that it was written by a master of the subject.  I did not get far into it because it was hard work to think about these things.  Now I look forward to it.  My relationship with money is interesting, for a lack of better word.  If money is something everyone needs to survive, why aren’t there classes in high school on money.  There is accounting which is a method of counting your money but there is no courses on Money.  Only some elect to take a course on personal finance some time in college in which they calculate their net worth.

Your Net Worth!  These words are not an accident, we invented them.  This is what you are worth after all the expenses are taken out of your gross worth.  I laugh writing this.  Your whole life can be measured with one number.  What is baby’s worth?

Everyone has their own idea of how to make money.  Don’t go into Arts.  Do something practical, like accounting (counting other people’s money).  Become a super star.  Marry rich.  Work Hard.  Follow your dreams and it will all work out, is mine.

When I was working on Wall Street, my boss told me that I was in the right place for making money.  We were in Government Bonds group.  He said the way to make money is to be closest to “the source”.  He meant the Treasury, literally the source where money is made in US.  I think about this.  I picture a huge treasure chest of money where it is all kept in a room in the center.  The government officials stand outside the door.  Then there are other people in between.  The next set of doors is the Government bonds department, selling the bonds with a promise of secure government interest rates, low but safe.  My second year there, I got a big bonus after being told on all the areas, I could improve on.  I said,  “Thank you!  I am rich!”, they laughed.  I was not kidding.

After that bonus, I left “the source” and went into the world.  I felt scared.  How can I leave that room that is outside the room of the golden chest.  If I leave, I am so far from the “source”.

I met a mommy from my mommy group on the playground.  It turned out that she is a financial adviser.  She told me that people are stressed to expose their financial situation and she is in the position where people confide in her like in no one else.  They are not used to exposing that part.  They have best friends all their lives and they will tell them if they cheated on their husbands but they won’t tell them how much money they have in their bank accounts. This was funny.  The first thing she told her clients is that no matter what they think, they are not in the worst financial situation and not in the best.  I like that.  There is always someone poorer and someone richer then you.

When my parents moved to United States, I was 10.  To come here, my parents had to use all of the little resources they had, which the Russian government made sure were scarce.  I listened to my parents talk about money, saying that they do not have any.  My mother was optimistic about it.  She was of the mind-set that we were always fine.  Her saying is as long as we have health, we can work, and if you work, you have money.  In the beginning, my mom had to babysit and my dad had to paint houses while learning English.  These are people with college degrees and experience at the age of forty-two.  To me at that age, when they said no money, it meant no money.  It didn’t mean little savings in the bank account, it meant, no money.  I realize now that this is a hard thing to hear for a helpless child.  Helpless because I had no way of making money so I could not help in that situation.  The only way I contributed is by not spending any money and that I remember.  I was scared to ask for ice cream because I was scared to spend money.  To me, ice cream was and still is valuable.  It was a luxury so it must be very expensive, especially at the ice cream shop.  When I got ice cream, I felt like a rich kid.

I tell this story because, I subscribed to these ideas obediently and without questions.  For a long time, I felt like I had no money, even if I had money in the bank.  I also felt scared to spend money.  Even now I am filled with fear and pain every time I make a purchase of something “not practical”, like a pretty dress for myself.  Real pain.  I do not like shopping, I do not like to spend money on frivolities.  I like spending money on other people, just not myself.  I am cheap.  Cheap usually means that you do not want to spend money, in my case my inability to spend money on myself actually makes me be inexpensive.  If I am inexpensive, I am cheap.  Maybe being cheap is not a bad thing.

Going into my first free day of Olia College of Finest Arts, I want to rethink all my childish thoughts.  I want to value my education because its my education even if it is free and without liabilities.  I want to calculate my infinite net worth.  And I am not far from the “source” of money, I am the source of everything in my life.


edited at 10:25 pm


No Dance Day 18, Voices

9:15 pm

I feel a little bit sickly.  I need to rest.  No dancing, just drinking tea.  I emailed back and forth with my friend Michelle, Mommy Theorist about blogging.  She said:

“I feel like that voice is the real me and most people don’t know the real me – I want to be known. ”

That is exactly how I feel.  I want to be known, even if it is just known by myself, by my mom, my sister, favorite mother-in-law and a handful of friends.  Until I write my thoughts, they are just a quiet voice drowned out by the chores of life.  I am not going to remember washing the dishes on January 21st, 2011 but I will remember taking my voice and power into my own hands and proudly blasting it over the internet without fear of being seen for what I am.

This is the mountains of Utah and Yura taking them on his snowboard.

10:14 pm Mountain Time

Dance Day 17, Idependence

8:59 pm Mountain Time

I am still in Utah.  I am listening to college kids having a party somewhere in the condo.  It brings me back to being that age, it was exciting to be at the hotel partying.  Independence.

There is independence and there is interdependence.

Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from “dependence” in that an interdependent relationship implies that all participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and or morally “interdependent.”

I think love and independence are similar.  You can not give love unless you love yourself.  You can not become interdependent unless you are independent.  I find both of those things to be true now that I have a child.  When he was first born, I was scared.  I felt that I lost my independence because I stopped having freedom.  But I was wrong.  Independence has nothing to do with the time you wake up in the morning and neither does freedom.  You can be entirely on your own and feel codependent and a prisoner.  Or you can be a mother of ten feel independent, interdependent and free as a bird.

When I read the Wikipedia description, it seemed that researchers throughout time were advocates of independence or interdependence.  Why do people have the need to pick sides?  It is democrat or republic, Yankee or Red Sox.  We want so badly to put ourselves into a small box, drawn by black lines with sharp edges.

My sister often says, I do not know enough about politics so I can not have an opinion.  I often jump in with one opinion or the other and get frustrated by that answer.  Why don’t you just have my opinion?  (that is what I am really saying)  I know I will not erase a lifetime of strong opinions but I will say this.  You can not put my sister in a box and I respect that.

Yury’s sister said the other day in a conversation, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  I heard this quote before and took it as the truth (it is a quote so it must be true, right?) but this time it  got me thinking.  What if everything, I find to be true and good is wrong?  Is it not what the phrase is saying?  Your good intentions are paving a road to hell?  Doesn’t everyone have good intentions?  Even the thief is stealing because for him stealing is his own idea of good?

We pick these positions and they simplify everything.  I am this so I think this.  I am that so I think that.  Why do that?  All your good intentions are paving your road to hell!

Here we are infinite beings.  If you dissect us, we are supernatural.  Our design is impeccable.  Look at the eyeball and you can see a whole Universe.  Neural networks communicating perfectly with one another to give us the ability of sight.  Take any part of our body and you can study it for a lifetime.  Take just one cell, one atom, one quanta.  The fact that we are here and capable of doing what we are doing is incredible.

So why do we use our infinite choices to make ourselves finite?  If our eyes can see it all why do we choose to look only straight?  The road to hell is paved with good intention.  But the road to heaven is also paved with good intention.  The road to freedom is paved with independence from everything you think you are.

10:49 pm Mountain Time

Dance Day 16, Smiling in the Blizzard

Today it snowed in Utah.  I heard about “powder” on the West Coast.  I figured that it meant snow.  I wanted to see it with my own eyes.  Today I saw it.  And yes powder is just fluffy snow.  Snow that is deep and dry, you do not see your skis or your feet.  I do not like to fall while I am skiing but today I welcomed the falls, it felt good.  It snowed 8 inches over night and it started coming down heavily while we were skiing.

I remember this kind of snow when I was a child, said my favorite mother-in-law after coming back from skiing.  I remembered too.  I remember having fun rolling around in the snow.  To fall and be cushioned by magic powder of the gods.  Soft and crunchy to step on.

When we came to this country I found out that snow is something to be afraid of.  On the news, they said a snow Storm is coming 10-12 inches.  A storm is not a good thing.  Now on the news, a snow fall is a potential Blizzard.  A blizzard is even scarier word then a storm.  I guess they have to heighten it to keep our attention.  I understand this fear is mainly because we are a driving society and getting caught in a snow storm in a car is something people are trying to avoid.  I guess you would have to leave work a little early if you knew it was coming so you want people to be aware.  And if you are in the middle of the suburbs and your car is stuck, it could be an inconvenience.  But come on, snow is not a tsunami.  Snow is fun and friendly.

Today I enjoyed the fresh snow fall and so did all of Utah.  For Utah, snow is not a blizzard, it is a blessing.  I heard people remarking, Finally  we got some nice snow.  I guess they had a couple of days without it.  The skiers and the snow boarders were happy too.  Powder!

We skied around the mountain smiling, snow falling softly on our faces.  One of the lifts we wanted to go on was closed.  The hand-written sign said “Closed due to Avalanche danger.”  I just loved the simplicity of that.  “AVALANCHE” is a big word.  But even in this case there is nothing to fear.  We were safe on this snow-covered mountain and the path that was in any REAL danger was closed.

So please news people.  If snow is coming, just say snow is coming.  You can even tell us your guess on the inches.  Please do not say storm or blizzard.  And if there is an Avalanche, tell us where it is so we do not go sledding there.

9:59 pm Mountain Time

I wanted to put up a Bob Dylan’s song that I think of a lot.  Maggie’s Farm.  But I found out the hard way that all of these awesome black and white Bob Dylan videos have been erased from Youtube by Sony.  If you click on the video you can see the highest rated comment, I think the people have spoken.  Bob Dylan was exactly the guy who would be against that.  You can do that to all the commercial singers of the world but why touch Bob Dylan.

This is the closest I could find, his voice and words are my inspiration: