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Nothing makes me laugh more than when people say to me, ” But you seem like you are so happy, you only see the positive.”  Are they really that blind or am I really that fake.  My friend, Marina, told me that she knows that I have my issues.  Her voice was convincing.  She made a movement with her eyeballs that said, “I see it in you.”  It was both liberating and frightening.  Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with her.  It is the opposite though.  Seeing the dark side of a person allows you to see their true light.  It is only by contrast that this light is visible.  We cannot know the day, if there is no night.

Before her, only my immediate family knew the darkness.  My bad moods.  My temper.  My emotional disorders.  The ones that make me snap for no reason, just because I feel sad and the sadness is making you look ugly.  Everything feels wrong at those moments.  Life is a cruel joke directed at me and me only.  I know I am being easy on myself, making this sound poetic.  The darkness can be poetic but only after it releases me or I it.  There is nothing poetic about it in its moment.

I wrote about not listening to my parents yesterday.  Maybe they listen but I don’t listen.  I want to be independent too much.  So independent that the mere listening, I am scared will infect me.  I think I am being forced to agree or worse, conform.

Blue commented on my blog today on the post “Cat in the bag” (I liked this post).  It made me so happy, instantly.

Yes, Olia! You are already doing it. You inspire me to keep going with my writing and my blogging and going to the depths with my desires and dreams. So, keep going! But I know that voice really has to come from deep inside Olia, that is the one that you really want to hear from. She is speaking to you through your writing!

Somebody is speaking to me in my head.  She starts talking right as I am waking up.  She does not shut up until we go to sleep.  I used to want her to shut up but now I am listening.  I want to hear what she has to say and even write it down sometimes.  Then, I want to read it and see how it makes me feel.

Today, I woke up like a “Cat in the bag.”  The only difference, today is a beautiful sunny day so I can’t blame the weather.   It is that perfect temperature for wearing a light hoody and a tee-shirt.  The air is breezy but not windy.  The leaves are new green.  The sun is bright but not blinding me without sunglasses.  I had a crit on my writing two weeks ago.  The whole week before, I was nervous.  I imagined the teacher saying, “Wow, you are a writer!  Can I call you later so that we can figure out what you are going to do with this gift?”  Then, I would get mad, knowing that she would never say that.  She will say,” Does this writing feel rushed to anybody?” and they would answer, “Yeah  it is unclear.”  Right before the crit, I decided that I was only going to listen to the positive.  I would write it down and circle it. Only the day after, I will listen to my recording of it again for the things that I have to work on.  Celebrate first, work second.  Doing things like that allow me to crawl out of the bag and bask in the light.

Today I am celebrating my favorite comments and my blog.  Hundred and fifty-four posts and a thousand feelings.  There were so many great comments.  I appreciate so much everyone’s support.  Now I will test my boundaries of positivity that this world can take.  My world.

More brilliance from the creator of this illuminating blog: “Your title is just another ‘Golden Calf’.”
“In order to stay pure, I have to align myself with a virtue, something unchangeable and inner. Truth, Freedom, Justice, Love, Honesty, Courage, Search for Knowledge, Wisdom, Diligence, Humility, Patience, Strength, Hope and Faith.”
Yes! Then you can walk through the darkest wood knowing you could never be robbed… like I did today… Mommy Theorist

“Lol. The stroller brigade- proudly never a part of it- but I am part if the blogger brigade!  I still feel like you in a playground, when I pick up the kids, at school picnics- and my older one is almost 8.  We’re just not chit chatters.
Coffee soon?”  ChristineAlcalay

Olia, this just made me cry. We are cut from the same cloth. How can it be that two people from two different worlds can be the exact same age and are currently battling the same exact things? you are not alone. Speak your truth… and I, for one (and many others), will listen. Be the ghost. She’s magnificent… xoxops. I sing the rainbow connection to my daughter every night before she goes to sleep. the words get me every time… esp the ones you’ve written here.  Harper Green

Olia, I love this and completely identify with it. Maybe our gut has endless dreams and desires. And once one is satisfied we go deeper and find more and more. That’s something the Abraham Hicks folks say—that life is about continually having new desires and the excitement lies in never being fully satisfied, and always wanting more, and creating more. Blue

Olia, I love you. You are amazing. Yes, like a drug, if I may paraphrase MommyTheorist.
Jesus, Michelangelo, I love all your references. Can’t wait to read the most funny and moving script written by you. kisses.
PS. I love my jewels. I wear the ring everyday, and everyone loves it! CreateLisa

Love what you said, and I feel exactly the same, although I am not a New Yorker by residence but in my heart this is EXACTLY what I feel. Thanks for expressing it so clearly. Love. — My Sister

Stay focused, follow the path.  You are connected.– David Bowman (one of my first comments, EVER!)

I am so glad that 40-th day is not the last. Go for more!!!!!!!!!– My Mom, telling me to keep going after I finished my initial 40 day goal.

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I am a circle

8:15 pm

Forget the forgetful memories.  Some days an image strikes me in the head.  Something unpleasant from the past.  An experience, something I said.  Uncomfortable moment when I did not act correctly.  I hold it anxiously in my mind’s eye, feeling the feelings as if it was happening again.  If I wake up, I shake myself.  No.  No, I will not subject myself to the past.  Sometimes a good memory strikes me and I try to hold it.  I force myself to revel in it.  To feel the pleasures of the memory, to grasp it.  It melts into an unrecognizable puddle.  I am left with today.

I hear the words, Live in the moment.  I already know that, I need something new.  I hear it again, Live in the moment.  It is boring.  I need new knowledge to grab on to.  Something so special that when it comes into my life, it will shake me, like this blog.  It will answer the questions that are.

I went to a party few weeks ago, it was rare for me.  The people there were not my friends.  I was excited to meet new people.  New friends.  I bounced from one conversation to the next.  None of them made any sense.  It was chit-chat.  I hate chit-chat.  Chit chat is what happens when you have nothing to say to each other.  I recognize chit-chat.  Chit chat is what happens when I myself do not know what I am saying.  I talk in fillers, I pretend I care about minutia, I am trying to fit into a square, I am trying to find the boring middle.  To fit a square into a circle has not made so much sense to me as it does now.  I watch my son trying to do it with his toy that teaches shapes.  It is funny to see the expression play out.  It is impossible, I know it for sure now.  I watch him try and try.  It does not work.  I hope that he learns that it does not work, a lesson I sometimes forget.

Even amongst my friends and my family, the feeling comes.  It is discomfort of not being myself.  The feeling that I am trying but I don’t know how to in this moment.  I talked to my friend Lisa about writing.  The reason I love it is because I have control over my expression.  In a crowd of people, I become a chameleon, changing colors to fit into my environment.  I do not do it out of fear, I just do it.  A chameleon is trying to survive.  I am not trying to survive, I am just playing hide and seek.

When you are talking to people, you have to wait. Pause.  Listen to them.  Ask questions.  Listen again.  Exchange ideas.  Be interested, be interesting.  Connect?  And enjoy this process.  Sometimes, it is magical.  Sometimes, it is work.  I do not know what to say or what not to say.  I do not know when to listen and when to talk.  Sometimes I am excited and I talk too much, sometimes I talk too little and it is awkward.  It flows or it drains.  New people are an ultimate challenge for me.  I get excited by meeting them and instantly there is a discomfort of building a relationship.  Do I even want a relationship?  Am I an island like Paul Simon?

Today, I want to be left alone to my thoughts.  Time is precious.  It is all a trade-off.  Go out see people or stay home and write.  If I go out I am at risk of chit-chat.  Tell me about you, now tell me about you.  It all seems boring to me.  I can tell you about me but what will you do with that information, go home and retell it to your husband.  I know it sounds sad, but this is my blog.  Even if it is for the two-day-later me to see and say, oh Olia you were just sad that day, you like people.

Today, I have no life force.

And this too shall pass.   When I am happy I look at sad and say, how can anyone feel like that.  Look at the sunshine, love and all of it around you. When I am sad and I see happy, I say, how is that possible.  Happiness is unreal.  The wave.  I am on the down curve of the wave at the moment.  So I want to write about it.  I want to remember it when I am happy and invincible.  The Buddhist strives for balance.  The teachings do not want you to be extremely happy or sad.  This too shall pass.  Even and steady.  Take in life.  Drink it.  Inhale it.  Sniff it.  You are the observer and a participant.  Shakespeare said that we are actors but I don’t want to act.  I don’t want to over act.  This is not a comedy or a drama.  It just is.

8:47 on Monday and 10:04 on Thursday.  A few days later I do not feel this but I know I will again.  It is a dear sad friend who comes to visit me.  He makes me see things through his eyes for a while.

On the bright side, Isaiah’s favorite new song: