11: 58 am
Tumblr is down again. I think I need to switch. One main reason to switch is so its easier for me to follow Elizabeth’s blog. I want to work more with her, she started this blog idea for me, so I think I should go on wordpress. Tumblr is basically kicking me off. I tried to post 3 times today and I got an ugly black screen that says “We’ll be back shortly”, only its been too long. I got too many of those screens to bare it.
Speaking of baring it. I can’t bare being sick anymore but I guess I have no choice. Today, I was recovered from my flu only to get hit with some unearthly food poisoning/ stomach virus. I don’t even know what. I think the demons are leaving me but they are having a serious way with me on their way out. I have been throwing up from 8-12. Not constantly but when it comes, it makes my whole body convulse. I’ve also had diarrhea since 4 pm. Sorry to be so crass but its for a reason, I promise. I thought it was just a passing thing but it didn’t stop. Everytime I took a bite of something or drank anything it came back stronger and stronger. I was crawling around the apartment, almost saying the Shema (the most important prayer that you say 3 times a day but also before you die). I was doing it for the later. I know I am not going to die, but it felt like it tonight. Not that I know what death feels like but my whole body was going through something all encompassing, painful, draining of energy and I don’t know how else to describe it.
My first thoughts were of my mom. This whole summer my mom has been going through a crazy stomach thing. Everytime she ate, it didn’t agree with her. It lasted over three months and before that, it came and went frequently. All those times she told me she was sick it didn’t register. I felt bad, I felt sad and helpless but it didn’t register the pain that she was going through this whole time. I underestimated it. I only had 6 hours of this so far, and already, I am on the floor saying the Shema but my mom barely complained. We got into an argument the other day and in the argument she used the fact that she barely complained to win her case. I huffed and puffed and continued to disagree. Tonight I realize, she barely complained. I want to complain so much, it hurts. It really hurts. I can’t lay down even though I am so tired because when I lay down I feel nauseous and everything starts again. So I am sitting here typing to get my mind off of the pain. But my mom went through this everyday, without an end in sight. By the end she weighed 88 pounds and everyone around her didn’t register what is happening to her.
Now it has registered. Mom, I know what you needed. You needed someone to be truly compassionate to you. To nurture you and to make you feel loved. To tell you it will pass but not harshly, nicely. You needed more love, more love then what you got, more love then usual because you were going through something unusual. I realized that tonight because I need those things right now. No one is awake to give them to me so I am giving them to myself through this gift of writing it down.
An now I have to go back to the bathroom.
You said you would be back shortly tumblr but you are not back. I know you are trying.
So many new revelations. One is, dark magic. I think I have been under dark magic’s spell this month. I know that sounds strange but I will address it. Dark magic unlike white magic has no balance. Dark magic is powerful and sometimes seems more powerful then white magic but its power is limited and its noticeable. I met this woman who I trusted and liked. I met her through my nanny who I think is saintly so I got confused. How could dark magic be near to someone saintly. I guess it could. I don’t think this woman is trying to practice dark magic but I just don’t think that she knows how to control or balance her power. I pissed her off on Friday. I know the healer is not right for me when I am able to single-handedly with one sentence piss them off. In Peru, on a retreat 9 years ago, I said to the archangel channel Robert who was channeling Angel Gabriel at the time, ” I don’t think you are real. I think that Robert doesn’t think he is good enough as a healer so he has to pretend that he is channeling archangel Gabriel to get his information across.” To this he said ” You are free to believe as you choose.”
I will never forget those words because they were so calm. I’ve been brewing with my attack all that day in my hotel room and all he said was ” You are free to believe as you choose”. I went back to Gabriel, 9 years later for my Birthday few weeks ago and he welcomed me with open arms. The truth is, my statement did not change anything for him or within him. He remained archangel Gabriel.
Back to the dark magic. I met this woman and I instantly liked her but inside I was weary. I am usually quick to recognize dark energies but this one was tricky. I also never have let dark energies as close as I’ve been letting them to me. I guess I thought I had certain amount power to cancel out their effect. Each time, I find out I don’t, not yet at least.
This is how I knew. She told me mostly all good things but the few imbalances stuck out to me.
She told me that Yura is a younger soul then I was. This she said so that I feel strong and powerful, like the crow with a piece of cheese when a fox tells her to sing for him with her beautiful voice. She wanted me to drop my cheese. I did.
The day after she left, I had to smoke cigarettes. I stopped now but it lasted a few weeks.
I didn’t see it coming. I felt so good but had to smoke. This is a bad sign that the good is not good.
She told me that my mom was a younger soul and that she has a lot of learning to do. I agree, my mom does but she is undoubtedly an ancient soul probably a wounded healer from another life. My mom can see through people unlike anyone I’ve known and definitely better then this woman. When my mom came downstairs she was very nice to her in her goodbyes but after she left, my mom angrily said that she does not want to work with her. In retrospect, this was the smartest way of dealing with her.
She worked on Yura even though he didn’t give her permission. She worked energetically on my mom even though my mom was unaware. From my reiki days, I should have known instantly. Red flag. You can never work on someone energetically without their full permission.
All these signs were coming but I was sure that this woman was helping. I felt more powerful and swift then ever. The final blow is tonight. On Friday, I gave her a little “lecture” about business. I wanted to help her because I could see she was struggling with that side of things, specifically finances. In my experience, financial imbalance is a clear sign of energetic imbalance so I thought I could advise her. I must have said something to upset her because I felt that she was angry with me. She was also angry with Yura because he reluctantly agreed to work with her, but when she started, he refused to return her calls. I knew she was seething. Yes seething. Tonight when I got sick, the first though for me was her name, I dare not say. I begged Yura in my delirium to call her, apologize for not calling back and nicely finish working with her. He did it and then I got on the phone. I could hear bitterness in her voice. I tried to talk her out of it even though I was so week. I told her I didn’t mean to upset her. I told her that she must have misunderstood me. She told me that she heard one thing, a voice from another woman who hurt her years ago. Dark power holds on to old hurt. It is that hurt that throws the balance off. One has to heal that hurt and only then can then teach people how to heal themselves. No one can heal you except for yourself. I know that, why did I think she can?
I have to get this story out. Few hours later, Yura got the same illness that I did. He started throwing up violently. His whole body convulsing. We came down, I started brewing ginger and everything I know to help us. I was scared but I decided to tell him what I thought it was. I told him that I thought it was her black magic. He looked up and said, “That was my first thought when I got sick.” You don’t have to believe me but for me it was a full confirmation. Yura is sensitive to energy, probably more then I am. He doesn’t admit it as freely even to me sometimes but one of the reasons we are together is because I can tell him these things. I would go mad if I couldn’t.
We did a short impromptu ceremony for clearing energies. I did reiki, he led me in a kundalini chant. I had to stay up and write it while its fresh. Its unedited so there are words missing, I am sure.
Now I feel like we have exercised the demons and I made that title before I fully recognized what the demon was. That came out while writing. Now I hear that Yura has finally fallen asleep and I know I will too. Thank you for reading.
tomorrow I want to write a letter to Woody Allen.