2:39 pm
The more I live the more I learn. The more I learn, the less I know. I feel that I am learning so much but yet get caught on the most basic interactions with people. My husband and my parents mostly. Why is it that after learning so much and seemingly obtaining certain amount of wisdom, I struggle daily with these relationships. I go on a meditation retreat and feel enlightened. I feel the hand of God on my shoulder and his light smiling upon me. Ah the bliss of salvation. Then I come home and it can take about 15 minutes for my bliss to turn into my personal hell.
No, I don’t think its them. And I don’t think its just me. But me is all I can control in this equation.
I observed my niece Beata recently during a “heated discussion.” My sister was saying something and my husband was arguing with her. I jumped in of course on one side or the other, now I don’t even remember, of course. My 9 year old niece, started playing with my 18 month old’s toys. She didn’t seem touched by the argument. It was getting more and more heated and finally had no where to go but to stop, but all along she just played with the baby’s toys.
When I looked at her, I remembered everything. I remembered watching my parents argue when I was a small child. And I remember thinking, what are they arguing about, it doesn’t even make sense. I understood the argument, it could be over a piece of bread that my mom put into the wrong place, or some other strange minutia. I remember thinking, why, why, why would they do this to themselves and to all of us watching, over something so small. Without even knowing my nieces thoughts, I could see she was probably thinking the same thing. I remember feeling that I have no voice against these crazy arguments so I will just stay quiet until it passes. Later in high school, I remember getting red and embarrassed for them, in these situations. How could they not have the basic control over their emotions, I thought.
Now, I catch myself daily, arguing about the most absurd minutia. Getting so defensive when I am judged or criticized unfairly. Then criticizing and judging in return, probably unfairly. When did it all become like this? Me the enlightened one. I start screaming for somewhere to run, is it single life? Can I escape this? Is it more therapy? Where do I go? How can I make these stupid, energy sucking fights go away? Do I just ignore them? Do I just ignore everything? Can I even post this?
My truth is, there is no relationship that is not plagued in some way or another. To think that, is illusion. That’s the illusion that causes me to judge or criticize. In my mind I am comparing either against myself or some perfection in my mind. It is not fair when someone does it to me. It causes me to get defensive and cry. But in the next instant, I feel perfectly entitled to do it to someone else. So, my moral is, this week I am going to try all compliments. No criticism. Treat my family the way I want to be treated even in the face of adversity.
But my main point is this. Are we born with that control not to fight and then it starts going away as we get older. We slowly get more and more wounded and start building armor to protect those wounds, only to find that the armor is what made the wounds deeper. I know what to do to live a life of peace but it seems that I have to erase or rebuild my life from scratch to do it. It was easy to do it as a child. When I looked at my 9 year old niece or when I look at my 18 month old son, the flash of my own self comes back to me. That self, did not want to argue, even where there was arguing around. That self did not easily get hurt from criticism. That self, got confused when someone was mean. That self, smiled freely without fear of rejection or fear period. That self wanted to play and have fun and enjoy life. That self did not need a massage to relax and a hot shower to sleep.
I think I just have to stay quiet until it passes.
3:17 pm
Olia Rights 